Jokes in English

Jewish haiku : le haïku est une forme de poésie japonaise très brève ( trois lignes, dix-sept syllabes ! )

There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat :

- Beit Shammai forbids ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure ("boneh").
- Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh", but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your partner doesn't have a headache.

And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill ?
There is a choice of four blessings :
1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree.
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent.
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come.
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead.

Here is a little follow up to the above...
Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif.
But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible.
But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents that cause things to rise.

I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives: one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

b. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, it now gets "Ferklempt."

f . The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

k. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

l. When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

n. There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam in your e-mail.

- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
- If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
- After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
- No one looks good in a yarmulke.
- Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
- WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
- Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent offis a mitzvah.
- There's nothing like a good belch.
- Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
- Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
- The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
- And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
- If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
- Always whisper the names of diseases.
- One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
- If you don't eat, it will kill me.
- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
- Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
- Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
- Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
- Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
- Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
- The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
- A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
- Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
- Before you read the menu, read the prices.
- There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
- If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
- No meal is complete without leftovers.
- If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
- The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
- Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a. do windows b. make latkes c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a. gentle b. housebroken c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations: a. sightseeing b. sunbathing c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: a. up on the newest styles b. entitled to free haircuts c. not Jewish

6. Wilderness means a. no running water b. no electricity c. no hot and sour soup

7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a. jogging b. tennis c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is a. Easter lilies b. a crucifix c. a Zippo lighter

11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to a. become a prostitute b. deface a synagogue c. remove the back of a TV set

12. Jews never sing a. off-key b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c. around a piano bar

13. Jews are ambivalent about a. vegetarianism b. Jesse Jackson c. absolutely nothing.

39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you. 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "farklempt"
2. Hanukkah screen savers would have "Flying Dreidles".
3. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
4. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
5. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
6.. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
7. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
8."Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
9. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
10. When running "scandisk", you would be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
11. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oye!!!".
12. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
13. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffy"
14. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
15. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Mah-Jong."
16. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
17. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
18. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
19. "Year 2000" issues would be replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
20. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine-"la maison", "Pencil" in French, is masculine-"le crayon" One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them
to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le "computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

2.TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat

3.SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest

of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
4.MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5.BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6.CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
7.DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly

when.
8.DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with

everyone she passes.
9.GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10.HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
11.JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
12.MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13.MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."
14.MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after

kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
15.RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same

condo as you.
16.ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17.YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be

St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. (leads to JEW-BILTION)
18.MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19.FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20.DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21.IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22.KINDERSCHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23.SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24.SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25.TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

JEWISH HAIKUs
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The Shiva visit :
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

Moses

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above : "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued : "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses
to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

PASSOVER

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
"How?"
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?" The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to
this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test
flight--the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem.
All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!!
The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzo broken on the perforation.

A little 2^nd grader came home from school and told his mom that he learned 2 + 2 the son-of-a-bitch is 4 and that 4 + 4 the son-of-a-bitch is 8. His mom said, that's what you learned today and her son said yes. So the mother went to school and asked his teacher if she taught her son that 2 + 2 the son-of-a-bitch is 4 and that 4 + 4 the son-of-a-bitch is 8. The teacher looked surprised and said no...no...no... It's 2 + 2 the sum of which is 4!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

There's a blond, brunette, and a red-head stranded on an island off the coast. One day the brunette says, "We should get off this island, let's swim for it!"
They all unanimously agree. First the brunette--she swims about two thirds of the way, and drowns. Next, the red-head--she swims about three fourth of the way and drowns. The blond watches both tragic deaths, so when she swims half way and gets tired, she swims back.

The bear and the atheist
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" an atheist said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament ? Am I to count you as a believer ?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."
Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said "Jesus Christ." Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I know it's Moses, but business is business."

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said :
"Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests

full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued : "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,

and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....
JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....
JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....
JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....
JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....
JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Christmas vs. Chanukah
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat..

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah: Chanukah, Chanukka, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true forChanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah.

THE NEW 2004 'CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE' HANDBOOK" BY ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have nonemployees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
THE GOVERNATER

Israeli Sense of Humour at UN
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.